Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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