Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
