Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
