he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
