Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
