I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
