you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
