She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
