he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
me + whiskey = a bad person
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
