why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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