Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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