you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
