Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
