I smell stomach acid.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
