Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
