I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
