she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
