Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
