And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
even my farts smell like vagina
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
