we're chasing vodka with high fives
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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