apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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