When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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