he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
