her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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