my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
