My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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