He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
