Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
