I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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