You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
