I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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