Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
