I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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