he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
