I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
