My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
