Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
