you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
