you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
