There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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