a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
