i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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