just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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