You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
