we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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