my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
