Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
