I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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