Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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