If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
