I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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