i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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