I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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