Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
